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Saturday, 22 January 2011

Dracula by Ham Poker

Van Helsing's Journal
1 March 1897

I have been summoned to London by my old pupil and protegee Dr Seward regarding the mysterious malady of a young lady, Miss Lucy Westenra. I have my suspicions about the case already, but I fear there are those who will find it hard to believe me so I have decided to record the facts here as written evidence. Together with other correspondence from my friends they may form an invaluable record. Fortunately we are all gifted creative writers with photographic memories and remarkably similar styles. But I digress. I must hasten to London so I can begin my next diary entry at an exciting point.

3 March 1897
I have seen the patient and am not surprised that dear Dr Seward is quite in love with her. He is one of many to worship this perfect creation. I do not tell him of my suspicions concerning the cause of her illness, but she has two puncture marks on her neck and a giant bat flapping at her window nightly. As Dr Seward was my star pupil I am quite sure he will soon come to the same conclusions I have.
Mem. to self: Nip back to Amsterdam to pick up my copy of Vampire Hunting for Dummies.

5 March 1897
On my return to London I found Miss Lucy to be in a most terrible condition. She is pale with sharp teeth, a heaving bosom and a wanton look in her eye. I announced my conclusion that she should have an immediate blood transfusion for which I required a donor. It is testament to Miss Lucy's sweet nature that most of the male half of London are willing to empty themselves for her! I must begin my work on the transfusions...

The menfolk are exhausted and have retired for cigars. Miss Lucy is much improved with a pretty flush upon her cheeks again. I asked Dr Seward if he had any notion yet of what her condition might be but he looked quite blank. I fear my pet pupil has lost his touch.
Mem. to self: Nip back to Amsterdam for Ladybird Book of Vampires and slip into Dr S's pocket.

7 March 1897
Oh terrible fate! Why do you pursue us and undo our good works? Upon my return to London I entered the house to be met by a hellish scene that needed no explanation. Servants lay dead upon the floor like husks, drained of blood. Miss Lucy has fearsome fangs protruding from her dainty mouth. And there are bat droppings all over the drawing room carpet.
"What can it all mean?" Dr Seward cried desperately.
I am afraid I lost patience with my old friend. "Do you really not understand? Are you so thick you cannot connect bats, blood, bitemarks and our dear Miss Lucy's transformation into a fiend?"
"Erm..."
The poor man was a blank and I confess I shook him hard. "For god's sake, man! Must I spell it out for you? I see I must!"
I had just opened my mouth to say "V" when the room darkened. The sun had set without either of us noticing! At that moment Miss Lucy flung open the door. The once soft eyes were hard and cruel. The shocking red mouth dripped with fresh blood. She held a severed arm, which I recognised by the rings to be the left hand of her mother, Mrs Westenra. She held it to her lips and supped the blood with relish.
"People always say I had a lot of my mother in me!" she quipped horribly.
"What vision is this?" gasped Dr Seward.
I slapped him round the face. "She's a vampire! Get it? A vampire! V.A.M.P.I.R.E!"
Dr Seward's brow creased. "Are you saying she's suffering from some sort of attack of the vapours?"
Miss Lucy was advancing on us. I was all right, I had my crucifix, thank God, but as I hadn't told anyone else what was going on they were all completely unprotected. I believe it serves them right, the dimwitted fools.
I turned away in disgust and left Dr Seward to his grisly fate.
Mem. to self: Nip back to Amsterdam - and stay there.

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